Background on the Big Guy

Since the dawn of man, fictitious characters have been intertwined with the real world in many ways, for better or worse. One that’s been strangely tied to this school recently would be the rotund terror we call Wario.

First appearing in 1992, Wario has enjoyed a sustained and widespread popularity for the last 31 years; across various platforms his two franchises of games alone have sold 22.74 million copies. That’s not to mention his numerous appearances in various other franchises like Mario Kart, Mario Party, Super Smash Bros., and more popular series. Between those and his own long-lasting franchises, the spherical miracle has been a character recognized and beloved around the world.

However, the rotund terror seems to have a… unique connection to our school.

Imitators and Inspirators – Alex Carmona

The catalyst for this unusual popularity of the cash-coveting cretin was none other than my blood brother, Alex Carmona. Last year he was a student for the class of English teacher Mrs. Ollquist, and was tasked with giving a presentation on popular culture. When asked what he made his presentation about, he answered, “My presentation was about the impact of different Mario characters on the video game industry as a whole”. For his presentation, he felt he needed something visually gripping to pique the interest of the viewers and garner a good grade. He felt that doing something outside of the presentation and outside of the box would make the presentation memorable.

The gourmandizing giant himself – Wario – made that presentation unforgettable.

“I was thinking of doing something unforgettable and hilarious. I dressed as [Wario] because he had pretty much become my running joke, and I knew it would entertain everyone else”.

Having done this, the mustachioed menace’s presence was airdropped onto the school, and from the many who saw this bright yellow imitation to those who heard about the incident afterward, a large percentage of the LHS populace was unwillingly made aware of the garlic gobbler. 

Ground Zero – Conor Callahan

As a result, several reminders have brought the incident back to Alex’s attention. Wario has appeared twice since Alex’s daring stunt, both of which occurred on the Lion’s Roar show. The first of these appearances happened on October 28th 2022 done by Zach Tatro. The second more recent appearance occurred on May 12th 2023, also done by Zach Tatro. There have also been several reminders thrown directly into Alex’s face about his antics that day. Alex himself regarding the matter says “yes, many of my classmates have mentioned the time I did that.”

Conor Callahan is one of those classmates.

“Yes.” That’s all he could manage to say when asked if he remembered Alex’s performance last june. Who could forget about such an odd occurrence? That goes double when taking into consideration the fact that Conor was a part of Alex’s english class that year. Of course, with that it stands to reason that Conor’s viewpoint of the yellow-capped chomper would be affected by the performance more than anyone else. So how did this occurrence change Conor’s perception of the gold grabbing fiend?

“My perception of him improved immensely seeing him in my own school. I used to believe that Wario was the laughingstock of all fictional characters, especially the nations of Europe like Austria and Hungary, who I believed had failed to see the potential appeal in Wario from the start. However, seeing him in this very building presented in such a passionate way opened my eyes to what an amazing character he truly was – and is – an exemplary showcase of impeccable character design. I will never look at Wario the same way again.”

Conor, much like Alex, saw the recent appearance of the mean bean garlic machine on our school’s weekly broadcast, and also much like Alex, it harkened his mind back to that fateful presentation. With these appearances all occurring within the last 12 months (as of my writing this) and the volition of his own words, it can be concluded that Conor Callahan’s perception of the esurient exploiter of the poor very much improved by way of his special appearances.

The Toll This Took on our Teachers – Mrs. Ollquist

Of course, considering this all went down in a classroom and thus school, teachers had to bear witness to the plump plumber’s performance as well. Being that it was in her class, Mrs. Ollquist had more room to speak about the incident than any other teacher.

When I set out to ask her about her experience regarding this event, I was surprised to know that Mrs. Ollquist had known about Wario before Alex and his antics had arrived at her class.

That said, she didn’t claim to know anything about the sleazy purse snatcher beyond the basic premise. When asked about the parameters of her knowledge about Wario, she said, “I had known that he was a character within the Mario games, but I didn’t really know anything about Wario in and of himself.”

Now a mere cosplay resembling the excessively capitalistic circle wouldn’t have taught Mrs. Ollquist anything about the character (though the bright yellow attire certainly serves as quite the eye-catcher) but as mentioned earlier Alex’s presentation was about Mario characters and their impact on the gaming sphere, so naturally the round mound weighing way too many pounds made his way into the slideshow.

With that in mind, Mrs. Ollquist was exposed to not only the character’s concept, but his importance as well. Of course, none of that would be privy to her had she not given the presentation out as an assignment to begin with, which in turn led to the series of events surrounding Alex’s presentation. Having extra knowledge and a new perspective on the circular crusader, that begs the question: Did this actually improve her perception of the character?

Sadly, Mrs. Ollquist states that she did not catch the recent Lion’s Roar show spearheaded by the aforementioned Wario cameo, as she was at a meeting the morning that the telecast was to be played (or at least she presumes that’s the case). However, seeing this extra appearance wasn’t necessary. Mrs. Ollquist said that, in regards to her view of the cylindrical sleazebag, Alex’s presentation alone changed her perception in the following manner: “I wouldn’t say that the presentation made me like [Wario] any more than I did before, but the presentation Alex showed gave me more appreciation for the character as I learned about his significance on games as a whole and on individuals like Alex as well.”

At the Edge of the Circle – Conclusion

Within these wicked walls, Wario has wormed his way into more cameos and sightings than he really had any reason to. With this, the gargantuan gold grappler has garnered several appearances inside the school within the last year and with that an unusual presence looming about the grounds. As a result of the actions of Alex and others, many have been irreversibly exposed to the rapacious rascal’s existence, whether they like it or not.

However, considering the unanimous improved perception of the orbicular oppressor of all things healthy by the accounts of those I interviewed, it can only be presumed that the cameos within these school grounds have only helped the yellow fellow who throws a mean elbow’s image as a character. It’s funny really; within his own universe, Wario is regarded as a greedy, fat, lazy scumbag who’s lust for gold is only matched by his massive stature, an overall garbage human being. Yet in the real world, and very much so in the tiny corner of the world we here at LHS share, the dimwitted destroyer of the shake dimension is a welcomed presence of levity and comedic effect in an oft-dark world.

The corpulent self-centered gold chaser and his likeness have manifested in our school many more times than he has had any right too, and as a result of his numerous appearances, the moronic money-munching maniac’s image has improved in the eyes of those who have had the honor to bear witness to his glory. All in all, Wario has a very positive legacy in LHS as of recent, as a direct result of the students who wanted to see it so.